2005-09-09
He did the monster mash

It's 2:40 a.m., and there's no way I'm getting back to sleep tonight. Why, you ask? About forty minutes ago, I felt a stupid bug crawling on me--except it didn't exactly feel like a bug. I woke up to find a CENTIPEDE crawling down the side of my head. I still don't know how 1) I woke up when the centipede was crawling on me, 2) how I escaped getting bitten by said centipede, and 3) how I managed to see well enough to get it off of me. However those things happened, I was very quickly wide-awake and grasping for my glasses and the light switch.

Even though the centipede was off me, it was also LOOSE IN MY APARTMENT. AAAAAUGH. I HATE CENTIPEDES. (And yes, this was the kind that will put a hurty bite on you, not the really ugly-but-benign type.) I figured I'd best find it and do away with it, so I went to put on some shoes made for stompin'. I then used the duel-wield combo of bug spray can/hardback book and went to work looking for the creepy Bane of My Existence. Fortunately, when I was fumbling around for my shoes, I'd seen it skitter in the direction of my backpack and didn't see it come out, so I figured it was most likely under the backpack. I discarded the bug spray since Japanese bug spray is comically weak. If I was going to kill this thing, it'd be an old-fashioned, up-close-and-personal bludgeoning.

I moved the backpack away and sure enough, the centipede was under there and made a run straight at me. Okay, okay, it wasn't exactly straight at me--more like straight to the side. But fortunately (for me, not so much for it), centipedes aren't as fast as roaches. I'd cleared enough space that even if it did move as fast as a roach I think I would have gotten it. I pounded it with five or six shots from the hardback book--the first two only seemed to bounce off, but with the next few blows CENTIPEDE BLOOD AND GORE was going all over my floor. Oh yeah, I smashed it good. I was striking it like I was swinging a sledgehammer.

Here's the thing that only serves to make the experience more terrifying--this thing would not die. My bludgeoning attack did succeed in crippling it--I took out probably 75% of its legs and body--but the front 25% were still trying to crawl around (unsuccessfully). So even though this thing is a filthy creepy bloodsucking centipede, I feel kinda bad and look for the coup de grace. I found a pair of scissors and decided that was the way. Thirty minutes after the head was divorced from its body--the thing was still alive. I mean some of the legs on the body were still moving, and the head was still responsive. RESPONSIVE. I moved it out of the way so I could clean up some of the mess, and it was probing the scissors with its feelers and trying to attack with its fangs. I also moved the head a little too close to the body and was treated to the ghastly spectacle of the centipede head trying to attack its own body. Having had enough, I moved head and body onto a piece of paper, folded the paper over and stomped on it about a dozen times. I think it's dead now.

So there's NO WAY I'm going back to sleep tonight. I've probably got enough adrenaline to make it through the entire day right now. Or maybe I'll crash in a couple of hours, I don't know. Whatever the case, that was one of my worst nightmares come true. I also have about six more months to go here--six more months to dream about centipedes crawling on me if not ACTUALLY crawling on me. I am still amazed that I didn't get bitten--I took a close look at the head and it's got some fangs that mean business. Still, where it was crawling on me, there was a slight rash-like reaction that as I am currently reading, is due to tiny poison grabby thingies that are on the bottoms of the feet of these little monsters. Good golly Miss Molly, I hope that's the only one in my apartment. Or at least the only one audacious enough to come out and CRAWL ON MY HEAD.

You know, I'm certain there are people in this world who think these things are the coolest animal specimens ever, and would shake their heads in disgust at my brutality and ignorance if they ever heard this story. I wouldn't hold it against someone if they felt that way, but I'm not ashamed to say it--100 billion times out of 100 billion times, if I find a centipede crawling on me in my sleep, it WILL be pounded into next year.

"And now, young Chilopoda--you will die."

I've attached a picture of the offender. This is after I bludgeoned it but before the head and body were divorced.